


maybe we can find new ways to fall apart

by Lauren (notalwaysweak)



Series: Four-Color Love (A Comic Book Romance) [14]
Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-07 06:21:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1116531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/pseuds/Lauren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Nobody comes to a relationship with a clean slate.”</p><p>“That doesn’t mean I want to know how dirty your slate is!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe we can find new ways to fall apart

**Author's Note:**

> The Big Bang Theory characters do not belong to me and I am not financial gain blah blah.
> 
> Thank you very much to Lorata for the beta; her ability to switch from this to betaing Stuart/Penny impresses me very much.
> 
> This one goes out to thequeenofthecrossroads on Tumblr; I'm sorry, bb, I don't know your AO3 username if you have one!
> 
> * * *

_Landlady wants to meet you about putting your name on the lease, is tonight okay?_

_How come? I thought we just had to sign stuff._

_IDK. She said something about reviewing all new tenants in person. It’s alright, she’s nice and pretty geeky._

_Sounds fair._

* * *

Stuart almost forgets about Raj’s message over the course of the day; the nerves it stirs up are soothed by the routines of the store. Wil drops in to pick up his pulls and they talk about inconsequential stuff. Stuart only realizes he’s mentioned Raj five times in as many minutes when Wil gives him a Cheshire cat grin and says, “It’s nice to see you so happy, Stuie.”

“Uh, well, you know... it’s not quite where I was expecting to wind up relationship-wise, but...” He can’t finish the sentence because a smile of his own has firmly settled itself on his face and won’t go away. He licks his lips and looks down at the counter. “I guess it wasn’t totally out of the blue for you... I did make out with that guy at one of your parties...”

“I remember that. Vividly.”

“Oh? I was kinda drunk, I don’t–”

“I know you were. You’d been into the Jell-O shots.”

“Um?”

“You tasted like raspberries and sugar,” Wil reminisces.

“Wait. What. That was _you_?”

Wil gives him another feline smirk.

Stuart very slowly sinks down onto his chair and lets his head drop to the counter beside the register. “I have never,” he informs the dice display underneath the glass surface, “been this embarrassed in my life.”

Wil ruffles his hair. “Don’t worry about it, man. For what it’s worth, even when you’re wasted you’re not a bad kisser.” He sounds so blasé; it’s as if he makes out with random friends every day. (Maybe he does.)

“This explains the beard burn,” Stuart says to the counter.

“Like, your tongue–”

“I will give you a 200% discount on your next purchase if you don’t finish that sentence.”

* * *

Stuart pushes the apartment door open that evening, smiling, having processed his mortification enough to tell Raj the story; in hindsight it’s pretty funny.

“Hey, Chocolate Bear, Wil was–” He almost bites his tongue as Raj’s landlady turns around from where she’s sitting on the couch and gives him a wry smile. Then he has to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth.

“I _thought_ I recognized your name on the lease application, Princess.”

“ _Bethany_?” Stuart squeaks.

Apparently it’s blast from the past day.

“You two know each other?” Raj asks.

“Oh, yes.” Bethany stands up. Her shiny brown hair is in twin pigtails; her floor-length black skirt swishes around her ankles as she steps around Cinnamon; and when she reaches Stuart he’s helpless to keep from looking at her generous cleavage. It’s not that he – he’s _really_ into Raj. It’s just kind of hard to not look. “The past returns. I knew you’d find someone special.”

Stuart hugs her hard, fiercely, and her lips meet his a hair longer than briefly before she rests her chin on top of his head.

“You two _know_ each other,” Raj says again.

“I thought you’d gone to Italy for good,” Stuart says, ignoring his boyfriend for the moment.

“ _Si, si, bello_ , but ‘for good’ turned out to be shorter than I thought. I met a guy, it didn’t work out, I met a girl, it didn’t work out, not for lack of trying, I finished the course I went over there for and went backpacking for a couple of months before I decided that I was done with the hostel shit and came home.” She holds him at arm’s length, eyeing him critically. “And here _you_ are.”

“Here I am,” Stuart agrees, grinning idiotically.

“Still running the store?”

“Yeah.”

“Still roleplaying?” She gives him a slow, insinuating smile.

“Not as much as I’d like.”

“Cosplay, cons?”

“You couldn’t keep me away.”

“I am going to put on Alanis Morissette and sulk if nobody tells me how you two know each other,” Raj announces.

“Comic-Con 2009,” Stuart and Bethany say in unison. “It was a total coincidence, but we were both wearing Discworld costumes, and I just _had_ to get a photo with him,” Bethany adds.

“Then she offered me the spare bed in her hotel room because her roommate had hooked up with someone and gone back to their place.” Stuart disentangles himself from Bethany and goes to belatedly kiss Raj hello.

“I can guess where it went from there,” Raj says. He sounds half jealous and half amused.

“Four and a half months,” Bethany says. “Then my stupid father fell off his stupid unfinished back deck and broke his stupid leg, and I had to fly back to stupid _Yonkers_ to look after him. Shittiest Christmas ever.”

“We stayed in touch for a while, but kind of lost track of each other when she went to Italy.” Stuart looks up at Bethany. “I never did figure out why you stopped answering my emails.”

“My account got hacked. I lost all my contacts. I tried to find you, but you didn’t have Facebook. I even tried Match.com and a couple other dating sites but I got a bunch of abusive messages before I got anywhere and had to delete my profiles.” She rests a hand on his shoulder; Stuart puts his own hand up to cover it. “I promise you, I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose.”

“That’s so sweet,” Raj says, standing up abruptly. “I’ll – I’ll be right back.” He practically bolts for the bathroom.

“Oh, damn.” Bethany looks chagrined. “Should I – I can–”

“No, I’ll go.” Stuart gets up.

* * *

Raj has locked the bathroom door.

“Come out,” Stuart says to the dark-stained wood. He’s feeling like this is also talk to inanimate objects day. “Raj, for God’s sake, we split up like four years ago.”

“I saw how you looked at her!”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t go blind when I started dating you, and if you’re going to tell me you never looked at her the same way, then I’m calling bullshit.”

He hears a sniffle. “Are you sure she’s not going to turn you straight again?”

Stuart leans against the door. “Last time I checked, a) that’s not how sexuality works, and b) you’ve always been straighter than me, so shouldn’t _I_ be the one in there freaking out?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Neither is you making mountains out of molehills.”

“I saw you looking at her mountains.”

“You’re being ridiculous.” Bethany’s peeking around the bedroom door. Stuart makes a throat-slitting gesture and rolls his eyes; she nods, blows him a kiss, and retreats. “Nobody comes to a relationship with a clean slate.”

“That doesn’t mean I want to know how dirty your slate is!”

Stuart hears the front door close, and slides down to sit on the floor. “Raj, you are seriously overreacting.”

“Am I? Really? You don’t think it’s okay for me to get mad that she just kissed you in front of me?”

“It was barely a kiss!”

“She still knows we’re a couple.”

“So now you’re angry at her as well as me?”

Raj doesn’t say anything and after a minute Stuart realizes that he’s viciously humming “You Oughta Know”.

“I refuse to have this conversation through a door. And that song is totally irrelevant to this situation. The timeline’s all wrong.”

There’s a heartfelt sigh. “I just... I kind of have clinginess issues.”

“You don’t say.”

Raj yanks the door open and Stuart sprawls on the tiles. Raj is glaring; it makes it harder for Stuart to stand up. “That was totally uncalled for, dude. I don’t make fun of your emotional problems.” He looks like he wants to kick Stuart’s ass, possibly literally, and Stuart hauls himself to his feet using the door handle.

“My _emotional problems_ are a legitimate psychiatric issue. You’re just being a jealous idiot.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Raj’s eyes are practically snapping sparks. “Then I suppose since you _never_ get jealous, you won’t care that I slept with _Penny_.”

The bottom falls out of Stuart’s stomach. He wants to ask _when_ and _how_ and _why_. But he can’t. The only thing he can do is turn and flee, grabbing his jacket and keys on the way out of the apartment, ignoring Raj’s yell of, “Stuart, _wait_!” as he shoves the door shut behind himself, mindful even in his stunned anger not to let the dog out.

* * *

Stuart walks for about an hour, circling familiar streets aimlessly. His phone rings time and again until he turns it off.

They have a running joke about how straight Raj is or isn’t at any given moment. Sometimes it relies on horrible cliches involving his clothing; sometimes it’s more about how enthusiastically he drags Stuart into the bedroom and does wicked things to him with his mouth. Right now, Stuart’s mind says that Raj is 100% straight and, although he likes Penny very much, it hurts to think that she’s the reason Raj is currently at the other end of the Kinsey scale.

They’ve been together for nine or so months now, and maybe it’s just been too long for Raj. Maybe he’s just not as into Stuart as Stuart thought.

Eventually his stomach informs him that it’s past time to eat something, and Stuart looks up from the pavement unreeling beneath his feet to see that he’s outside the Cheesecake Factory.

Of _course_.

He goes in anyway and sits at a table in Penny’s section; she’s behind the bar but comes over to him as soon as she sees him.

“Hey, sweetie, how are you?”

Stuart tries to smile, opens his mouth to say _fine_ , and instead says, “I didn’t know you and Raj slept together.”

“Oh. _Oh_.” Penny sits down and takes one of his hands. “I thought everyone knew about that.”

“Well, _I_ didn’t, up until like an hour ago when he decided to rub it in my face.”

Penny, incredibly, laughs. “It’s not like there’s that much to rub, really, considering how it happened. Or, you know, didn’t really happen.”

“Didn’t really–”

“Well, I don’t know what you – how you – anyway, maybe you’ve noticed sometimes he’s a little more of, you know, a sprinter than a marathon runner?”

“Well, yeah,” Stuart admits.

She pats his hand. “I practically got further with _you_.” Her smile turns mischievous. “Would have, too, if that damn gearstick hadn’t been in the way.”

“I don’t think the gearstick was the main thing that got in the way,” Stuart says, but he can’t help smiling back at how woebegone she looks. “But that was ages ago.”

“Oh, so was this, it was like two years ago.”

The bottom drops clean out of Stuart’s stomach again. “Two _years_?”

“Yeah.”

“He didn’t mention that part.”

Understanding floods Penny’s face. “Oh. Oh, sweetie, you didn’t think he–”

Stuart nods numbly.

“Hell no. I mean, he’s nice and all, but there’s no way I’d let him screw up what you two have. Not with me and not with anyone, if I knew anything about it.”

“Then why would he say it? Just to make me mad?”

“Sweetie, if he was mad at you, even if it was for a stupid reason, it probably came out unintentionally. Or at least he didn’t think it through.”

Stuart laughs unenthusiastically. “Sounds like Raj, all right.”

She squeezes his hand. “You want a drink?”

“I want all of the drinks, but I think I should probably go home.”

“Aw. Okay. I’ve been working on the Pennytini, though, and I really think I’m getting somewhere.”

“That’s the one with the waffle balls, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe just one,” Stuart concedes, following her over to the bar.

* * *

The apartment is dark and silent when he gets home. Cinnamon is sound asleep on Raj’s desk chair. Stuart goes to pet her and knocks the computer mouse, and the screensaver disappears to be replaced by Raj’s Facebook wall.

He’s usually really good about not looking at other people’s stuff, but it’s not like Raj’s stuff doesn’t show up in his news feed anyway. And once he sees his own name in the latest post, he can’t not look.

_If anyone sees Stuart, tell him to call me. Tell him I’m sorry._

(And he was listening to Adele when he posted it, but that’s hardly the relevant part.)

There are three comments: one each from Leonard and Bernadette saying he’s not with them, and one from Sheldon correcting Leonard’s spelling.

Sorry is good, but once Stuart’s stripped down to his boxers and settled in bed – which feels too big and empty alone – he’s still kind of mad. Not about the fact that the Penny thing happened, especially considering that she told him how it wasn’t that big a deal, but about the fact that Raj misled him about it. That he deliberately said what he said just to make Stuart mad. Maybe Penny’s right and Raj wasn’t thinking, but he still said it, and it still hurts. Not to mention the dig about his mental health, which _really_ sucks, because even if they smooth over the Penny thing, he’s still going to be fucked up in the head, and what if Raj stops being able to live with him because of it?

He’s not good at arguments; he’s usually the first one to trip over his own feet apologizing. But he can’t. This one time, he _can’t_.

He turns his phone back on, squinting at the bright screen in the dark room, and immediately gets inundated with notifications. _Forty_ missed calls, twenty voicemails, thirteen texts, and three Facebook messages. He clears the call log, listens to two voicemails before deleting them en masse, flicks through the texts, and gives up on Facebook after the app crashes his phone three times.

The most annoying part is that he’s not just mad at Raj. There’s a gamut of emotions fighting in his mind. Seeing Bethany has brought up a whole slew of memories, the unexpected revelation about Raj and Penny is giving him some interesting mental images, and because he’s just that little bit tipsy thanks to the Pennytini he’s starting to have flashbacks to that one particular party at Wil’s.

(One day, when he doesn’t feel quite so mortified, and most especially when he’s totally sober, he’s going to have to ask Wil about that. Because while he didn’t remember the _who_ , he definitely remembers the _what_ , and unless Wil was just kissing him back to mess with his head, there’s... yeah. He’s _definitely_ going to have to ask Wil about that.)

There’s probably some kind of relationship protocol about getting off alone when one’s in the middle of an argument with one’s absent boyfriend, specifically relating to why it’s a bad idea. But there’s a lot of shit going on in his head, and dealing with his insistent arousal might at least quiet his mind down long enough to get to sleep.

He starts out on the right track, albeit an angrier right track than usual; he’s at least thinking about his boyfriend, even if it’s about getting Raj flat out on the bed and tormenting him with the promise of all the things he’d usually just do. He’d probably have to tie Raj down to get away with it, though, and the thought of bondage has him thinking about Bethany again. Bethany and her handcuffs; Bethany and her own sweetly agonizing methods of torment. Four years it might have been, but he can still remember the feeling of padded leather on his wrists and her mouth between his legs. And he’d thought that once he hit thirty his days of getting off more than maybe twice in a night were behind him.

Raj is younger; maybe the same thing would work even better on him.

Stuart tries to banish the Bethany memories from his mind, because it feels wrong recalling them now, but the edge of shame has him more worked up than he’d like to admit even to himself. It was the same with kissing Wil, he remembers now; he might not have recollected who he was making out with the next day, but he sure as hell remembers the intoxicating thrill of the potential of being caught. They’d been out the back, talking about microbreweries, and somehow the gap had just closed between them.

No. _No_.

Raj in his Catwoman outfit; Bethany in hers. Somehow this leads to Penny in her work uniform; he’s been intimately aware of the way her legs look in her little denim skirt since before she ever came into the Comic Center. He rolls onto his side, inhaling the scent of Raj’s shampoo that lingers on the pillow. It brings his mind back to his absent lover and, with the thought of Raj tied up and pleading for release, he manages to make a mess of the middle of the bed.

Cleaning up is a necessary evil, but he’s soon settling down to sleep, surprised at how calm his mind is now.

* * *

When he gets up the next morning, after ruthlessly scrubbing his teeth with a double dose of toothpaste (Pennytinis are _sugary_ ) Stuart walks into the living room to find Raj folded awkwardly up on the couch. Even asleep he looks exhausted, and Stuart’s heart unfreezes a little.

He pours himself a bowl of cereal and sits on the chair near the end of the couch, crunching his cornflakes and watching Raj sleep. It’s way earlier than he usually gets up but under the circumstances he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t get back to sleep. Cinnamon is doing impatient laps of the living room. Stuart finishes breakfast and gets dressed.

Sending messages back and forth via the dog has become one of their stupid _things_ ; Stuart scribbles a note and drops it on the coffee table.

_Daddy R, Daddy S has taken me to the park. Love, C._

Raj is still asleep when Stuart lets himself and Cinnamon out of the apartment.

They walk to the nearest dog park and Stuart lets her off the leash. She trots off on an industrious mission to bark at every bird she can find, sniff every tree in the park, and of course find the ideal place to do her business. Stuart keeps one eye on her and attempts to draw, but after fifteen minutes he looks down and realizes all he’s done is doodle his and Raj’s initials over and over. Simple, ornate, curlicues, and long-tailed serifs, all surrounded with tiny hearts. Some of the hearts have arrows through them. Stuart shakes his head at himself, but doesn’t toss the page in the trash.

Cinnamon brings him a carefully selected stick and they play for a little while before he decides it’s time to go back. She has once again attempted to bury her poop; Stuart is half convinced that she thinks she’s a cat. He dutifully scoops it, bins it, and washes his hands at the faucet on the way out of the park. It’s not so much that he thinks he’s gotten any on him so much as being devoutly anti-squish.

* * *

The smell of bacon hangs in the air, tantalizing even through the closed door. Stuart unlocks the door and Raj whirls around from the frying pan, spatula uplifted.

“Oh my God, Stuart, thank God you’re home.”

“You don’t exactly look like you sent out a search party,” Stuart says, nodding at the bacon.

“I was going to call you again, but you never answered before and then I saw the note and figured you needed some alone time.” Raj puts the spatula down and then just stands there irresolutely, hands twitching by his sides.

“Penny told me the whole story. Well, not the whole story, just the relevant part – that it was two years ago.” Stuart can feel the anger surging up again. “Why would you do that? Why would you let me think you cheated on me?”

Raj goes pale, which is an impressive feat, considering. “Stuart, I had no idea that was what you’d think. I just wanted to make you jealous.”

“Yeah, well, good fucking job.”

“Did you even _listen_ to any of my messages? I tried to tell you I realized you’d taken it the wrong way as soon as you walked out.”

“And that’s supposed to make it okay that you were trying to piss me off in the first place?” Stuart folds his arms. His hands are shaking. “Call it one of my crazy quirks, but I was under the impression that you don’t do that to someone you love.”

Raj looks like he’s on the verge of tears. “Stuart, _please_.” He crosses the room with his head down, only lifting it to meet Stuart’s eyes when he’s standing right in front of him. He holds his hands out, palms up. “I do love you. I do.”

Stuart opens his mouth, unsure whether he’s planning on castigating or absolving Raj, but then the shriek of the smoke detector cuts him off and Raj bolts back to the kitchen, turning the stove off with one hand and fanning frantically at the air with a dish towel.

“That was supposed to be your breakfast,” he says ruefully.

“I already ate.”

“Cornflakes are not a proper breakfast.”

“I don’t need you to dictate my diet.”

“I’m _not_. I wanted to try to do something nice for you.” Raj scrapes at the charred mess in the frying pan. “I guess it didn’t work out.”

Silence falls between them. Raj keeps scraping the pan into the sink. Stuart, at a loss for what to say next, goes to his computer and puts his headphones on. Adam Duritz sings to him about love being a dream, dream, dream, and he leaves a comment on Raj’s Facebook post to reassure Leonard and Bernadette (and Sheldon, he supposes), that he’s fine. Or at least not lying in a gutter somewhere having his ears chewed on by raccoons.

His eyes stray to the section where Raj’s relationship status is _in a relationship_ with him. He remembers the day they got up the nerve to make it Facebook official, and the ensuing fallout: he’s never had a status update get so many likes before, but Raj’s parents had been so angry that he’d thought they were going to actually crawl through the internet and throttle one or both of them, and his own parents had been upset that _that_ was how he’d come out to them.

They’d weathered that storm, even if Raj’s dad still isn’t exactly talking to Raj. (Or Priya, who’s taken Raj’s side.) Why is this, this comparative drizzle, wreaking so much more damage?

Raj’s hands land on his shoulders and Stuart jumps, then rolls his eyes at himself. It’s his own fault for having the music up so loud. Raj’s thumbs dig into the tension knots on his shoulder blades and Stuart feels himself relax under the familiar touch. He reaches up and pulls the headphones off and tilts his head back to look up at Raj.

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” Raj says carefully. He looks like he’s about to cry. “I want – that is, I called in sick to work, and if it’s okay with you I’d like to spend some time with you before you have to go to work. Or I could come help you unpack comics.” He draws in a deep breath. “Or I could go sit on the couch and watch _Fellowship of the Ring_ again and cry for a few hours.”

Stuart snickers. “You’re awful. You know perfectly well that Gandalf survives.”

“Dude, that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t break every time.”

Stuart stands up and catches Raj’s hands in his. “Okay.”

“Okay... what?”

“I’ll stay home with you. I can open the store late. The delivery usually comes in at two, so we have at least...” He checks his watch. “Holy shit, since when does eight o’clock happen in the morning? This is _barbaric_.”

Raj gives him a tentative smile. “So do you forgive me for going all clingy on your ass?”

Stuart just kisses him in lieu of nodding, and squeezes Raj’s hands. “You should go shower. Sleeping on the couch like that’s probably screwed your neck up, and the hot water will help.”

“What about you, aren’t you coming?”

“I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He releases Raj’s hands. “I saw a stray cat downstairs when I was walking Cinnamon and I want to go see if it has a collar so I can call the owner.”

“Okay.” Raj hovers uncertainly for a moment and Stuart reassures him with a quick kiss. “Don’t be too long.”

“I won’t,” Stuart says, and leaves the apartment. He has to pause in the stairwell to lean against the wall, shaking. He doesn’t do lying very well but the stray cat thing is so totally him that Raj bought it. The question is how his boyfriend’s going to react to what he’s got in mind.

* * *

Bethany opens her apartment door and smiles at him. “Hey, Princess.”

“Hi, Queen B. Can I come in for a minute?”

“Sure, of course.” She ushers him in and closes the door. “Say, I hope I didn’t screw things up too badly for you last night.”

“It’s not great, but not because of you so much. I’ve got some ideas about how to work it out, though.”

“Tell me more.”

Stuart starts laying out the plan for her. About two sentences in, Bethany starts smirking, and before he’s finished she’s already thrown in a few ideas of her own.

“Let me put you together a goody bag,” she says when he’s done.

* * *

Raj is mooching around the apartment wearing only his (mostly open) robe and black boxers. His hair is damp and sticking out all over the place. Stuart holds the bag down by his side, and Raj is just distracted enough not to notice it.

“What do you want to do? Watch _Doctor Who_? Want me to try making breakfast again? Or we could go out somewhere, that would be okay...” Raj trails off. “Stuart, I’m drowning here, throw me a rope.”

“Oh, we’re not going out. What I had in mind very much involves staying inside.”

“Uh...”

Stuart crosses the living room to Raj. They have been together for nine months now, sleeping together for eight of those, and in that time they’ve done a variety of things in the bedroom (well, and other rooms). In the beginning it was about trying everything before they ran out of time; when the relationship started looking more long-term, they settled into more of a mix of mostly favorites and occasional new stuff.

Because of that, he knows some of his plans will work. The rest? Well, he’s not used to jumping without a parachute, but he thinks somehow the wind will catch him on the way down this time.

He winds the fingers of his free hand through Raj’s hair and pulls him into a slow but hard kiss. “Bedroom,” he says against Raj’s mouth.

“Are you–”

“ _Go_.”

They have maybe four hours between now and when he needs to leave for work. That should be long enough to thoroughly test Raj’s stamina, patience, and vocal cords. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [carry me home tonight](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1954641) by [Lauren (notalwaysweak)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/pseuds/Lauren)




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